The Top Ten Rules
of Jewish Dating
- Be fully who you are.
If you want to meet your soulmate, you first have
to be willing to meet your own soul. When you
marry the right person, that person will
enourage you to be the best you can be.
The more fully you develp who you are,
the more likely it is that you will attract a mate
who will appreciate you. The time you are given
before you are married is a special time for
growth. Use this time to develop yourself into
the kind of partner you want to be, and to attract
- Soulmates are two halves of a soul.
If half the soul is Jewish, the other half
is also Jewish.
There are no exceptions. If you cut an apple in half
and hide one half, forever and always, its other half
will be apple - not orange, not pear, not egg. The whole
soul is male and female. If you are male, your soulmate
is female. If you are female, your soulmate is male.
You may be attracted to people who are not Jewish.
You might be attracted to someone of the same gender.
But those people can never be your true soulmates,
the one that G-d chose for you before you were born.
This is not any one person's opinion. This is Torah law
and the wisdom of the Jewish mystical tradition
as it has been handed down for thousands of years.
- First define your own goals.
Then look for someone who has the same goals.
Successful marriages are focused on the things both
partners have in common. Your lives should be moving
in the same general direction. Make sure your goals
and values are not on a collision course. You don't have
to have all of the same interests but you do need to
respect each other's differences.
- Never judge a person on the first date.
Let the personality of the person you are meeting unfold.
A person's nervousness can mask his or her true qualities.
Don't have any expectations on a first date. Unless the
first date is a really bad experience, go out on a second
date. It may be the fourth date before you can really see
the inner person. Many successful marriages have
resulted when reluctant people were willing to give
the other person a second chance.
- Don't touch and come close.
Don't touch! Are you crazy? That's right. Not even holding hands...not
even touching pinkies. Put the physical attraction (or lack thereof) on
hold while you explore the deeper things. Outward appearances are the
least accurate indicator of true love. Beauty fades, but the inner qualities
improve with age for those people who are willing to refine themselves
throughout a lifetime. "Don't touch" is the way to come closer to
developing the emotional intimacy that is neccesary for a relationship to
blossom into marriage. How do you date without touching? Make a rule
that you won't touch for the first 30 days. You will find that your respect for
each other grows so great you are afraid to touch, and this deep respect
is the strongest foundation for a successful marriage. It's hard to do that?
Yes! But think of the consequenses if you don't!
- Jews don't fall in love. We grow in love. There is no
Prince or Princess Charming and happily-ever-after without effort. 5,761
years ago, the Jews were betrothed to G-d at Mt. Sinai, and we have
been developing the relationship ever since. Beware of "falling" in love
with your eyes closed. The goal is to ascend in love with full awareness
of the divine potential between you..You will never find the "perfect" mate,
but if you keep your priorities straight and your goals in mind, with the
help of G-d, you will find someone you can love, grow with, and give to
for a lifetime.
- Never marry with the intention of changing anyone but yourself.
You can't marry for potential. The way you are has to be
a match in this moment with the person you are dating. Make sure the
person you are dating is someone you like "as is." Of course, you will
both change and grow through time, but the desire for growth has to
come from inside each person. It cannot be forced from the outside.
You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself.
- If we call ourselves single, we make ourselves lonely.
A single is a person shipwrecked on an island. Adam HaRishon, the first
man was single. Nobody else has been single since. When you feel
alone and single, make your life more meaningful. Start appreciating
those around you. Use the most precious gift an unmarried person has -
your free time - to help others in your community. Volunteer your time to
help families and the lonely elderly in your neighborhood. Practice giving
as much as you can and you will be well-prepared for marriage which is
all about giving.
- Look to the Divine Wisdom for help. How do you find Divine
Wisdom? The Jewish wisdom tradition teaches us to seek a Jewish
spiritual counselor who knows Torah law and lives by it.
Find a rabbi or rebbetzin whom you respect. Go to them for Shabbos.
Help them and let them get to know you. Tell them what you are looking
for and ask them if they know of anyone for you. Then ask for guidance
about your problems and dating decisions. Listen and act on their
advice. Strengthen your relationship with your Creator so that
your priorities are clear when you are dating. Then you will not make a
mistake in your choice of whom to marry. Pray, beg, cry out to G-d to
help you find your soulmate. Recite Psalms.
- Don't Despair! Never Give up! No prayer is ever wasted.
No good deed is ever done in vain. No tear is ever ignored in heaven.
Our sages tell us that 40 days before we are born, a heavenly voice calls
out for each person, "This soul, So-and-So is destined to marry that soul,
So-and-So!" There is a Divine Plan and you are in it! Even if you feel you
missed your destiny - don't worry. The Torah tells us that our Matriarch,
Leah's eyes were weak. Our sages ask: Why were they weak? Her eyes
were weak from crying. Why was she crying? Leah knew that she was
destined to marry the evil Esau. She prayed and wept and begged that
her destiny be changed. And it was! Her prayers were so effective that
she married Jacob first.
Don't Despair! Never Give up!
No prayer is ever wasted.
No good deed is ever done
in vain. When you feel ready
to give up, try the following 12
suggestions. All of these things,
help, not only you, but the entire world,
and not just this world, but all of the worlds:
- Strengthen your relationships - with your Creator, your family, your friends, your spiritual advisor. If you have unfinished business with your parents, make every effort to resolve any issues that might be keeping you from expressing wholehearted love for them. Even if you feel there is no way they can give you what you need, make every effort to forgive them and love them anyway. This one change in yourself can have profound effects on all of your relationships.
- Pray one more heartfelt prayer.
- Say one more psalm.
A Song of Ascents.
I will lift my eyes to the mountains:
from where will my help come?
My help comes from G-d,
Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip,
He will not slumber - your Guardian.
Behold He does not slumber
nor does He sleep - the Guardian of Israel!
G-d is your Guardian,
G-d is your shelter at your right hand.
By day the sun will not smite you,
nor the moon at night.
G-d will guard you from all evil;
He will preserve your soul.
G-d will guard your going and coming.
from now and forever.
- Do one more kindness for another person.
Every favor you do for someone, no matter how small, elevates you and releases tremendous light into the world. Visit the sick and lonely, help a family with many children. Every act of giving prepares you to be successful in marriage.
- Give one more dollar to charity. You can do this very easily right now by clicking here.
If you don't have a dollar, give a penny. If it's easy for you to give, give more. Giving tzedakah, or charity, has tremendous spiritual power.to elevate your soul and rectify the world.
- Make a commitment to do one more mitzvah consistently. Commitment and consistency are two key ingredients of a successful marriage. Click here to find out more about mitzvahs you can do.
- Tell one more person what you are looking for
and ask if they know of anyone for you.
- Travel to another Jewish community for a Shabbos. And be sure to ask people if they know of anyone for you. Want to know more about the exquisite beauty of Shabbos? Click here.
- Take a short break from dating and strengthen your relationship with your self. Check in with yourself and with where you are holding. Relax and do things that restore your naturally happy state. Look for areas of yourself that you can expand.and refine. Try new things that interest you. Take classes - especially in Torah and Chassidus. Your soulmate might be waiting for you there!
- Give money to engaged couples who can't afford to make a wedding. (You can do this easily, right now, by clicking here). G-d matches our kindness with His kindness. When we give to others, G-d gives to us.
- Pray on behalf of your unmarried friend. Our sages tell us that when you truly ask for something on behalf of your friend, and you also need that thing, your prayers will be answered for you first. But you can't fool G-d, you have to truly want for your friend what you want for yourself. This is also very good practice for marriage.
- Trust that your situation right now is exactly what is right for you at this time and make the most of it.
Don't worry. G-d hasn't forgotten where you live! The Master of the Universe listens to every prayer and sees every heart.